Writing my previous blog post was all the motivation I needed to get into my heart and start digging things out. I didn’t do it through writing though. No. It was much uglier than that. I had to voice my heart, out loud, with the music turned up so I couldn’t even hear myself. Someone once told me “It’s out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks not the pen writes.” That statement is so true. In writing there’s much more opportunity for censorship. When I begin to speak to God straight from my heart, the things I say don’t pass through my mind before they come out of my mouth. I don’t worry about sounding eloquent. He already knows the thoughts and motives of my heart. It just flows.
God prompted me to get alone Friday afternoon. I drove way out into back country roads, pouring out my heart to Him all the way. The patience of Jesus is amazing. It was as though He stood there, holding up a mirror for me. At first, I refused to look. I didn’t want to see myself. But He persisted, prompting me to dig deeper, going far beyond the surface and getting to the root. It wasn’t pretty. The more I talked the more I saw myself. I’d become what I despise, despite all my best efforts. I was reminded that all of my righteousness is as filthy rags.
I am in awe that Jesus is so tender in humbling me. He showed me that I am nothing, but there is no bitterness in that realization. In my weakness I am forced to wait on Him. I went to this place I have in the middle of nowhere that I can just pull my car over and get out and walk around. God is so faithful to speak to me in that place. Not really because of the setting, but more because I’ve usually reached a point of desperation by the time I get there. I was spent. And I wanted to hear from Him.
He spoke. Almost as soon as I stilled my heart before Him, God reminded me of the promise that He has given me. That promise is unwavering. I know He will be faithful to fulfill it. And my faith will be accounted to me as righteousness. He gave me a mission – something to work towards, to bring honor to His name. When I got up to leave, the sun was setting. There was one place where a stream of light came through the trees. I stood there for a moment and I heard the Lord say, “I will make my face to shine upon you. You belong to me.” Nothing can compare to time spent with my Father. He is so faithful. He is so patient. And I will walk in His light all of my days.