Listen to Yourself.

I listen as the words leave my mouth.

I am sitting across the table from her, reaffirming that her value is not compromised; that she is worthy of the man who is paying attention to her. She speaks of regret and I want to dismiss her fears. Her heart is pure gold and she is deserving. I laugh at her shy smile while she absorbs the truth.

And I’m thinking to myself:
You are indignant that she would devalue herself.
Would you listen to yourself? 
How can you speak those words with such conviction while completely dismissing their application to you?

Hypocrite.

///

I am standing in a parking lot across from her. It’s cold and we should go home but we just can’t stop talking about the weaving of written words and the meaning of it all. I am gushing over her story and the unexpected parallels it drew in my life. I tell her that the theme of hope in her words meets me where I am and reminds me of the truth.

And I’m thinking to myself:
Reminds you of what truth?
The truth you don’t really believe? 
You speak of hope as though you’re actually holding onto it. You hold your wrist and say you want to make hope a permanent fixture in ink.
Would you listen to yourself?
Is this who you really are?

Liar.

///

The internal voice wants to escape, but I keep my mouth shut. The accusations it makes are very clear, regardless whether they are uttered. My insecurities do not need an audience.

I am amazed at the hopeful words that did leave my mouth, betraying the darkness that has threatened me of late.  I heard the conviction in my voice and I wonder where the words come from. I wonder which voice is the true “me”.

And then I think to myself:
Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks.

Suddenly, the truth lights a candle and another corner of darkness is chased away. I know, deep within, that faith spilled straight from my heart, flowing past the accuser with quiet ease.  There was nothing deceitful or wicked about it. My heart spoke into existence that which is not, as though it were. The words are the evidence of things unseen. They are not a betrayal — they are holy.

I may learn to listen to myself more often.

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3 thoughts on “Listen to Yourself.

  1. I don’t think I made it past the title before the tears started.
    You are the most deserving person I know and you are worthy! You have brought immense joy to my life and I just though I’d take this time to say how much I appreciate you and love you. It has been wonderful to sit back and watch you turn into a young woman with your own mind. You are amazing and I’m thankful that you let me tag along for the ride!

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