Love That Will Not Let Me Go

11254053_10153406434689261_7435853901037485899_nThe view from my balcony at Chalet Bellevue

When you come to L’Abri there are 4 questions you’ll have to answer over and over:

  • Where are you from?
  • How did you hear about L’Abri?
  • How long will you be here?
  • Why are you here?

The first few are fairly innocuous, but you find out very quickly that there is an expectation of honesty if not outright vulnerability in your response to the latter. It’s rarely one-sided, and it feels safer to speak the truth when you’re not the only one doing it.

After 11 weeks here my response to the last question is well rehearsed. I spent nearly 10 years in a christian cult which I left 3 years ago. I may have prettied up my reasons for coming here in previous writing, but the truth is that I came to L’Abri to immerse myself in community after being alienated from it for several years; to intentionally learn to live with people again and prove to myself that they are safe. I wanted to find a sure foundation to stand on. Those goals are being met, but it doesn’t look the way I thought it would.

Sharing my reason for being here dozens of times has made me reflect a lot on my time with Oikos Ministries. I didn’t see it as a cult until my friends started to leave, 6 months after I did. One of them googled the word and the similarities to our church were eerie. No one wants to believe themselves or their friends and family are deluded enough to be in a cult.

It was the habit of the “apostles” to cyber-stalk people who left the church, looking for clues of their demise. The struggles they confessed in pastoral counseling were made public and any misfortune they experienced subsequently was credited to the fact that they walked away from Jesus; walked away from us, because we represented Jesus in the earth. Tongues were clicked when families experienced trial or tragedy, people divorced or jobs were lost. We shook our heads and said, “That’s what happens…” the implication being that your life would implode when you left our church, when you left the truth.

This practice made me supremely uncomfortable and increasingly mistrusting. I knew that my own online presence was under scrutiny. I analyzed everything I posted from 10 different angles before putting it online, so fearful of a confrontation. When the final confrontation came I expressed to the “apostles” my discomfort with how the stories of those who left were handled. I was told, “If they leave the church, they’re fair game*.” When I confessed that I didn’t feel I could trust them I was summarily dismissed and they moved on to address my sister.

I didn’t leave for another 2 months after that. I was so afraid of losing my family, all of my friends, my apartment with my sister. I was afraid of being struck down by the disciplinary hand of God. I’d seen families torn apart because the loyalty in them was split between church leaders and one another. I didn’t want to take anyone down with me and see my own family destroyed. So I walked out as quietly as I could, holding my breath and waiting for things to blow up in my face.

But they didn’t. At least not for several more months and by that time the explosions were controlled and deliberate. I got my own apartment for the first time. I got a promotion and a raise in my job. I was flourishing in every external way. Inside, I was falling apart and having a massive identity crisis. Nevertheless, I did not fulfill all of the prophecies of destruction spoken over dissenters. I still haven’t.

I’m sure my old church members would read this and think I’ve gone soft, cruising my way along the wide path of love and grace. They might have a point, but I don’t take it as an insult. I am softer.

Finding freedom for me was like walking on ice. With each careful step I let go of legalistic rules about daily bible reading, drinking alcohol, cussing, going to church every Sunday, “regular fellowship”. Is it any wonder that as I unburdened myself of these heavy things I found my weight on the ice still supported?

I thought by coming to L’Abri I would somehow find greater ease in restoring the so-called “Christian disciplines” to my life and thereby experience the love of God to a greater degree, one that is acceptable to all my Christian friends. But love does not come through rules. Love comes from people. The christian cult I was in taught that Gods love is conditional. My experience of His love proved otherwise quite some time ago but it is difficult to make my heart believe.

Here at L’Abri I have encountered love that is not contingent on conditions of success or failure. No one cares what my job was. I can’t earn my way into affections through favors or exchange. This love is not trying to correct my behavior or my theology. It isn’t concerned by the things I believe or scared of the stories I tell. This love sits next to me when I ask pain-filled questions that have no easy answers. It cries the tears I can’t and tells me I am loved until I start to believe it. This love shows me my worth and makes no demands.

Love that does not want to change me, has changed me forever.

In learning to be loved, I am set free to love others in the same way, without condition. My heart is opening up. There’s nothing I can do to stop it, and I don’t want to try.

I plan to spend another term at L’Abri next year. I want to study theodicy and keep asking questions about the nature of God. But when I return home for a few weeks this December, and even when I eventually leave L’Abri on a more permanent basis, it will be with the assurance of a love that has been made real through people – tangibly. Love that isn’t composed of fancy lighting, moving music, an emotional altar call and warm fuzzies. It’s real in shared wine and long conversations, freshly baked bread, kitchen crew choruses, cups of tea and mountain views, touch without fear, tears shed and belly laughs.

This is love that will not let me go. Not ever.

Oh love that will not let me go, I rest my weary soul in thee; I give thee back the life I owe that in thine ocean depths it’s flow, may richer, fuller be.

Oh joy that seekest me through pain, I cannot close my heart to thee; I trace the rainbow through the rain and feel the promise is not vain that morn shall tearless be.

* I have a witness to this statement.

Advertisements

7 thoughts on “Love That Will Not Let Me Go

  1. Once again, it is the most beautiful thing to meet someone who has overcome such great obstacles, and is now able to experience true freedom and relationship with God. Having been through a very similar journey, I can totally relate to yours. Thank you for sharing. Hallelujah!

  2. I’m simply smiling, Rebekah, because I’m so very happy for you! if you’ve learned to love and be loved, to live in a harmonious community, to laugh

  3. Thank you for sharing this, Rebekah. When the “might makes right” lie is believed, it can be devastating. But when its reverse (“right makes might”) is religiously embraced by those convinced they are uniquely God’s “prophetic voice,” the deception is just as deep and perhaps more insidiously destructive.

    The power-brokers of legalism are pawns manipulated by “the father of lies.” Satan effectively shifted Adam’s fear from his true guilt for sin to a fear of being the way God made him: naked. Ignoring Adam’s newly-adopted, “fig leaf” morality code, God exposed its origin by asking an instructive question: “Who told you that you were naked?” The answer is obvious, except to preachers of prudish Victorian legalisms.

    Some time back, at the death of one of those “power-brokers” of “God’s pure doctrines,” I wrote a poem that you may enjoy reading: “Footwashing in Heaven” (http://www.pastordavidrn.com/files/poem-footwashinginheaven.pdf).

    I’m glad L’Abri is part of your renewal, Rebekah. My denominational training in legalism was softened up and washed away during the Jesus Movement of the ’70s, during my time in YWAM, and later in graduate school at New College Berkeley. Blessings on you, sister, as you continue your spiritual journey!

  4. “Praise Him from whom all blessings flow”
    Grace adorns you my precious warrioress! And I to believe Also that he will not let you go…nor will I.
    Grace is soooomuch more a powerful weapon than legalizm. My you continue to bend that graceful steel bow…
    I love you so much and am sooo proud of that I was chosen to be your 💢ie. 🌹
    I love getting to see how what the enemy and the “un-grace” meant to harm you; he is transforming into a trophy of HIS GRACE. 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼🇫🇴
    “And God is able to make all grace abound toward you; that ye, always having all sufficiency in all things, may abound to every good work:”
    ‭‭2 Corinthians‬ ‭9:8‬ ‭KJV‬‬
    Love u my bug! Oxoxoxoxoxoxoxxoxo💢

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s